DexielgetsSerious

Scribble 02

I have been attached to our friendship that when I want to try something new, your name immediately popped up into my mind. I want to tag you over memes and relatable quotes, DM you funny tweets, play GoG with you or even just wish you a goodluck on your exam. As much as I want to, I’m in the point of my life where I am considering every decisions and I don’t want to commit a mistake that I know will just hurt me in the future.

Yes, I am a friend and I signed up for this. I am still entitled to tag you and everything but I restrict myself not to because I should know my place. I know that I haven’t done anything wrong but still, how society and the people around us say about us, affects me.

I am now drawing a fine line between the two of us because I don’t want to get involved with your lovelife’s dramas and I don’t want to be part of the blame. We also have this “girl code” you know and if I were to put myself in her shoes, I guess I would really feel jealous. I don’t know about you guys, but I am now distancing myself.

 

even if it is so difficult and even if every hour, I need to remind myself to control my feelings and my actions not to chat you.

DexielgetsSerious

Scribble 01

I was drunk last night. I don’t know what urged me to drink alcohol on a school night but somehow I did. I don’t know if it was the stress and the academic pressure taking its toll or if it’s something within me, wanting to break free.

I want to be free. I want to be free from the harsh judgments of society, free from anxieties, stress, and insecurities. Butrmost importantly, I want to be free from my feelings – the feelings that I have felt for you.

For once in my life, I never appreciate the taste of alcohol as they reached my mouth. For once in my life, I shrugged away the worries and lived at the moment. But would you really consider that living when all I know is, I was dying inside?

For once in my life, I made choices I know I will regret the morning after. I got drunk to forget you. But in the end, your blurry image became a guiding light that kept me sane and insane at the same time, as I walked back at my friends’ apartment.

“We deserve every single love in this world. We deserve all the “I love you’s”, the spontaneous dates, goodnights and good mornings texts. We deserve that,don’t we?”

I remember saying that very line to my friend. A faint laugh of yours came to memory.

When we arrived at the apartment, I lose it.

I cried my heart out.

..because how can something so wonderful and beautiful be destructive at the same time?  I have accepted the fact that we will never be something beyond friends. And im okay with that, tbh. But it has come to my attention that my friends (like any sane loving friends should do) confronted me and told me to avoid you. It was not a selfish act btw bc I know they just care. They don’t want me to get involved between you and your girlfriend’s drama. They don’t want me to get the blame if ever something happens in your relationship.

And for the record, I don’t want that too. (but I also don’t want to lose you)

crush · DexielgetsSerious · Diary · Love

Walking away from Friendzone

Admit it.

We’ve been Carson once in our life. We’ve been that girl-bestfriend who secretly loved Dio, her boy bestfriend.

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The moment you set your eyes on him, you know something magically happened. It was like your heart started beating irregularly again, and the butterflies, which you thought were long dead, were once again present in your belly.

You had a crush on him- long before the two of you started talking in person.

Sleepless nights were spend thinking on how you would talk together about the recent GoT episode or just plainly stalking his un-stalkable (no informate gathered) twitter account.😂

Now that the stars had finally aligned and the odds were in your favor, your crush is now your friend.

FRIEND. You started talking about the Game of Thrones episode, you talk “things” only the two of you can understand, you started chatting late at night, you started eating meals together.. and the list goes on. So basically, you guys were like “BFFs” except for the fact that 1. He’s not gay 2. He’s 100% straight.

So even if you’re in denial that all the things the two of you shared were just NOTHING to you.. let me tell you something: NEVER ASSUME.

Never assume that the feelings you had for him will be reciprocated. Never assume that because he treats you better among your other classmates you’re special. Never assume that even if he tells you that you are special he loves you. Never assume that if he tells you he likes you he means it…romantically. Never assume that the two of you could happen. Because srsly? In the end, you are just going to be a mess of yourself. #selfdestroy💣🔫

The moment you started thinking deeply, you realize things. You realize that the guy you saw first day of school was not the guy you envisioned him to be.

He was not the guy you thought was sociable. He was the opposite– the introvert, shy guy. But once you overcame that phase.. yes, he was the guy you could talk about anything anytime. He’s good at conversations, he’s gentle, he’s caring, he’s funny. But he also got a real deal of imperfections I wish not to expose.

The problem with secretly loving your bestfriend is that it’s either you will love him more or love him less. And you realized that as time goes by, the feelings you had for him was gone. Not because he’s imperfect but because you learn to accept things.

Acceptance– once you find it, you will be eternally grateful. Once you accept that investing feelings to someone who can’t return it to you won’t do anything good, you will be happy yourself. It was a breathe of fresh air after a long day’s work. Acceptance. The moment you accept that you are “just the girl-bestfriend  not the girlfriend” is the moment you finally set yourself free– free from the constraints of self-doubt and questioning your self-worth. Free from asking “what’s wrong with me?” just because he was not attracted you.

Sometimes, you have to let go. Holding on to something hopeless is so clichè. There’s a world out there and you should see so don’t make him your world. Don’t asa.

Besides, the advantage of being the bestfriend is that while relationships break, friendship remains. Maybe he chose to be that way because you are worth keeping than relationshits.