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March 12,2014

9AM. I wasn’t there. And then she left. She left us and she would never come back.

I feel like a rotten grandchild. I wasn’t there when she needed me  most. I never visited her everyday and when I pay a visit, I just kissed her talk to her, then go. I dont know. It’s like when Im there by her side I feel like I’m useless. When she told me she wants to go to the terrace and I need to lift her to the wheelchair, not a single muscle moved in my body. I dont know. Maybe Im nervous she might fell and I cant carry her.

The last she spoke to me was that she told me to lift her up and sadly, I cant. I dont know how to, Im not allowed. It’s for her good.

Guiding her when she walk was a best thing. It’s like- when I was still young, she;s the one who teaches me how to walk if my Mom is busy, and now, I was the one guiding her. I admit it when I sometimes complain to myself how slow she walks but it’s ok. I felt guilty tho. Imagine, she was confined in the hospital and I think I visited her thrice but not on schooldays while when my friend was confined I arrived home late. Im being unfair. 😦

I will miss her. She’s a strict grandma but she’s still Mama Lou. The mother of my mother, the woman who supported me, guided me and cared for me. 

I cant accept the fact that she left us without me being there on her side for I participated the contest. It was sad part how I never spend time with her recently. If I knew that her days would only be counted, I would spend  day with her. I would love to take care of her but sadly I cant now.

When I arrived at her house, I dont know what to do. I had a terrible headache so I slept. I thought when I sleep, the pain would go away. But then, I woke up and silently when nobody was listening to the adjacent doors.. I cried.

She waited for her birthday. 😦

I would miss her. But Papa God took her now. She won;t be gone. She will always have a place on my heart. I love you Mama Lou.

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