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Fear.Death.Losing someone.

               People fear oblivion. We fear of being forgotten by someone. We even fear rejection, embarrassment and pain. But the worst fear we could ever imagine…. is death.

               We fear death like it was some zombie that would make us go hiding into places. No one can fight it, not even the most powerful man alive nor the most intelligent scientist ever alive. Some may say that death can be “stopped”. How? How can we stop death from stealing someone’s life, when in fact no one can ever prove it to me? They say that black magic can do it – that worshipping to other elements can make you immortal and powerful. They even said that scientists started to formulate something that can make someone last for a hundred of years. WHY CAN’T WE JUST ACCEPT THAT WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE?

               We are all going to die. And that’s a fact. People are born to die. We are all going to turn into ashes, buried feet below the ground, enclosed in a box.  We are going to die – whether we like it or not. But it’s His decision if he’ll let us stay here for a little longer or not. He is the author of our own Life Book.

               He may reclaim us in a form an accident. Or in just a few minutes after we are born. Some even die even if they are still on their mother’s tummy (where lucky enough to be here at this very moment).But life’s really unfair, isn’t it? Because some people, are lucky enough to stay and had the chance to meet new friends, build a family and follow their dream careers, BUT some also suffered.

               Yes. Some people suffered—it’s either they’re diagnosed with cancer, and just waiting for their final day to come or they have this poor heart that can’t even pump enough blood to the rest of their body. There are many diseases that I can’t enumerate but those are the ones who made people suffer.

               If we are all going to die, why can’t we just have an expiration date like those we check on our food? Why do people die when they aren’t prepared? It’s like you’re just out for a trip and then boom! The car crashed, and you died. Or that moment when you’re getting married and you got shot by a bullet from an irresponsible police officer? See? Why is life like that? We can just simply lie in the couch, tell our love ones that you’re going to die today, close your eyes and never wake up from that unending sleep. It would be easier than to see someone suffer.

               Your heart isn’t melting when you see someone suffer, is it? I pity people who suffer especially when they’re suffering because of their sickness. I can’t bear to look on a cancer patient’s eye. It makes me think about them – their family if ever they can provide a living without them and if they can move on with the pain of losing someone.

                I can’t even bear to check on my uncle who’s currently suffering from a disease I certainly don’t know because of many complications. He changed a lot. I mean a lot. He completely changed now. He turned into someone older and thinner. He can’t manage to talk now and open his eyes. His breath is much deeper than a normal person can draw. It’s like every time he breaths, you need to wish it won’t be the last. I pity him a lot. He looked paler and wounds are healing slowly. My aunt needs to check for a blood donor some other time because his hemoglobin decreased and something about his sugar too. The doctor advised us to have him undergo dialysis. I know that money’s kinda tough to search this days but I know that we’ll surely find a way for it. But I don’t know what happened that they didn’t pursue dialysis.

               It was August 17 this year when we last talked. I visited their place the day after I took my UPCAT examination. He was just discharged from the hospital because he was sick and about his condition too. We talked about how time flies fast and he said he couldn’t believe I was taking an exam for college while I was just so little years ago. He was a fat man back then – my uncle and my godfather. He was the one who goes on a meeting whenever my Papay (biological father) is busy. He works in the government and I reckon he was the one incharged in collecting rents from the blocks/areas owned by the government. Everytime the town fiesta came, he would definitely stroll with me at the market and buy me anything I want. I grew up with that habit—that when May 15 came I would end up asking him for a gift. He was the one who introduced me to brick games, to snake & ladders,to Barbie dolls to anything that he could buy to his suki. I call him Daddy Jun because he was like my second father. He treats me like his own, and he was such a biased because he loves me more than he loves his siblings’ daughters.

               When I was in elementary, it was their house which I took shelter every lunch time & afternoon. It was also my house for weekend since I don’t like staying at home (my Mom would also come with me there). So, whenever I left my laundry at their house, you will surely expect that by the next day, your clothes are newly-washed and ironed. He’s that brilliant! He can manage to do things at work and at home. But now, he can’t do that anymore. He can’t even get up in bed. He don’t have that strength to chew food so we need to grind the rice so he can eat…..

               I don’t know what to do. I felt so useless. He did everything to me and I can’t clearly enumerate that. He made me of what I am today – he provided me moral and financial support whenever my parents suffer an economic crisis. He was so fatherly I can’t forget he was the first one who accepted the fact that my cousin (not his daughter tho) got pregnant at a young age. He was the one who cared to my cousins together with my mom and aunt when their mother left them. He did many many things it breaks my heart on the thought of reminiscing them. The tears I currently released from my eyes right now won’t really help. I wish I can be a nurse just like what I dressed today. I wish I can heal his sickness. I know he lived the life he wished – he got a decent job and a family but I don’t think he deserve to die. His youngest daughter is pregnant and I do think he deserve to be there on that baby’s birthday.

               The worst part of seeing a person suffer is that you see them giving up and feeling hopeless. It’s like you know that part of them felt really useless to their family like they were just a responsibility and if someone would have a choice they will surely leave them behind. Life is unfair because people suffer and it brings their family’s hopes up. And then they too would end up disappointed.

               I don’t want Daddy Jun to die. I just suffered a terrible loss when my Mama Lou died and I don’t think he should be next. There’s still a little drop of faith and hope in me –faith that he would soon recover from his illness and we would soon talk about my future career and to schools I wanted to enroll at. I hope. But if it is God’s will, then I don’t hope he won’t suffer before he dies.

               People often say that we need to move on and start over. But life is not a board game, and losing a loved one is never really a starting over. More like “continuing without”.

               I do hope things would get better as I possibly hope for the next days. By God’s will. J

Ps.Sorry for this dramatic entry. You see, I don’t know where should I tell what Im feeling and I can’t manage to tell my friends about this because they have their problems of their own and I don’t want to be their additional burden. So here in WordPress, I hope this remains a secret? Appreciated. Thanks :*

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