DexielgetsSerious

Scribble 02

I have been attached to our friendship that when I want to try something new, your name immediately popped up into my mind. I want to tag you over memes and relatable quotes, DM you funny tweets, play GoG with you or even just wish you a goodluck on your exam. As much as I want to, I’m in the point of my life where I am considering every decisions and I don’t want to commit a mistake that I know will just hurt me in the future.

Yes, I am a friend and I signed up for this. I am still entitled to tag you and everything but I restrict myself not to because I should know my place. I know that I haven’t done anything wrong but still, how society and the people around us say about us, affects me.

I am now drawing a fine line between the two of us because I don’t want to get involved with your lovelife’s dramas and I don’t want to be part of the blame. We also have this “girl code” you know and if I were to put myself in her shoes, I guess I would really feel jealous. I don’t know about you guys, but I am now distancing myself.

 

even if it is so difficult and even if every hour, I need to remind myself to control my feelings and my actions not to chat you.

DexielgetsSerious

Scribble 01

I was drunk last night. I don’t know what urged me to drink alcohol on a school night but somehow I did. I don’t know if it was the stress and the academic pressure taking its toll or if it’s something within me, wanting to break free.

I want to be free. I want to be free from the harsh judgments of society, free from anxieties, stress, and insecurities. Butrmost importantly, I want to be free from my feelings – the feelings that I have felt for you.

For once in my life, I never appreciate the taste of alcohol as they reached my mouth. For once in my life, I shrugged away the worries and lived at the moment. But would you really consider that living when all I know is, I was dying inside?

For once in my life, I made choices I know I will regret the morning after. I got drunk to forget you. But in the end, your blurry image became a guiding light that kept me sane and insane at the same time, as I walked back at my friends’ apartment.

“We deserve every single love in this world. We deserve all the “I love you’s”, the spontaneous dates, goodnights and good mornings texts. We deserve that,don’t we?”

I remember saying that very line to my friend. A faint laugh of yours came to memory.

When we arrived at the apartment, I lose it.

I cried my heart out.

..because how can something so wonderful and beautiful be destructive at the same time?  I have accepted the fact that we will never be something beyond friends. And im okay with that, tbh. But it has come to my attention that my friends (like any sane loving friends should do) confronted me and told me to avoid you. It was not a selfish act btw bc I know they just care. They don’t want me to get involved between you and your girlfriend’s drama. They don’t want me to get the blame if ever something happens in your relationship.

And for the record, I don’t want that too. (but I also don’t want to lose you)

crush · DexielgetsSerious · Diary · Love

Walking away from Friendzone

Admit it.

We’ve been Carson once in our life. We’ve been that girl-bestfriend who secretly loved Dio, her boy bestfriend.

images

The moment you set your eyes on him, you know something magically happened. It was like your heart started beating irregularly again, and the butterflies, which you thought were long dead, were once again present in your belly.

You had a crush on him- long before the two of you started talking in person.

Sleepless nights were spend thinking on how you would talk together about the recent GoT episode or just plainly stalking his un-stalkable (no informate gathered) twitter account.😂

Now that the stars had finally aligned and the odds were in your favor, your crush is now your friend.

FRIEND. You started talking about the Game of Thrones episode, you talk “things” only the two of you can understand, you started chatting late at night, you started eating meals together.. and the list goes on. So basically, you guys were like “BFFs” except for the fact that 1. He’s not gay 2. He’s 100% straight.

So even if you’re in denial that all the things the two of you shared were just NOTHING to you.. let me tell you something: NEVER ASSUME.

Never assume that the feelings you had for him will be reciprocated. Never assume that because he treats you better among your other classmates you’re special. Never assume that even if he tells you that you are special he loves you. Never assume that if he tells you he likes you he means it…romantically. Never assume that the two of you could happen. Because srsly? In the end, you are just going to be a mess of yourself. #selfdestroy💣🔫

The moment you started thinking deeply, you realize things. You realize that the guy you saw first day of school was not the guy you envisioned him to be.

He was not the guy you thought was sociable. He was the opposite– the introvert, shy guy. But once you overcame that phase.. yes, he was the guy you could talk about anything anytime. He’s good at conversations, he’s gentle, he’s caring, he’s funny. But he also got a real deal of imperfections I wish not to expose.

The problem with secretly loving your bestfriend is that it’s either you will love him more or love him less. And you realized that as time goes by, the feelings you had for him was gone. Not because he’s imperfect but because you learn to accept things.

Acceptance– once you find it, you will be eternally grateful. Once you accept that investing feelings to someone who can’t return it to you won’t do anything good, you will be happy yourself. It was a breathe of fresh air after a long day’s work. Acceptance. The moment you accept that you are “just the girl-bestfriend  not the girlfriend” is the moment you finally set yourself free– free from the constraints of self-doubt and questioning your self-worth. Free from asking “what’s wrong with me?” just because he was not attracted you.

Sometimes, you have to let go. Holding on to something hopeless is so clichè. There’s a world out there and you should see so don’t make him your world. Don’t asa.

Besides, the advantage of being the bestfriend is that while relationships break, friendship remains. Maybe he chose to be that way because you are worth keeping than relationshits.

 

 

 

DexielgetsSerious · Diary

E.

X,

I know what we had was over  but I still couldn’t fathom how your presence can still have an effect in my life.

We became friends again for a year now and I thought everything would be so easy for I know in myself that I totally got over you. I moved on ftom my first elementary puppy love and I think it would be so childish not to be friendly towards you especially now that we’re “grown-ups”. So I mustered all my courage,supressed a smile and welcomed you in my life (again).

I admit it 2016 would have been plain and boring to some of its days without you. You became somewhat part of my routine– after dinner we would then have our chat; we even came to the point wherein we called 24/7. We would even attend the mass together. I treated you as my friend, I know that, nothing more and nothing less.

But there were those days when you just became extra-everything- sweet,caring,loving. And I must admit, I almost fell again.

But this time,I realized my worth:
*That you were just being flirty with me because Im around but when your first love came back, she’s what you’re after.
*That all those calls where just there to entertain you when you’re alone and bored while I have to stop reading my favorite book because you’re there nagging.
*That all those sweet messages were nothing to you
*That all of them were just normal stuff, an act of friendship.

Srsly the blame’s not on you but I also realized that the kind of people like you are not good to me. One moment you’re here, the next time you’re already there and broke my heart. And to avoid that,I realized that maybe I should get rid of you.

It’s time for me to start 2017 and let go of those negativity in life. Yes you brightened my life but you brought too much storm with you which I know I cant handle. So I left.

Sorry.

D

3AM thoughts · DexielgetsSerious · Diary

3AM thoughts

When everything seems quite and  my roommates are asleep at night..
When highlighters are my buddy and coffee keeps me awake to study,
.
.
That’s when reality kicks in and hits me hard like in the chin.

I’M ALONE.

I’m always known to be the jolly, outgoing person but sometimes I just feel all alone despite:
*family who never fails to check up on me everyday because they couldn’t afford to know that their daughter is starving or is sick
*friends who were always there for me and supports me implicitly to everything I want
*org mates who always made serving the people fun and fulfilling.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I guess this is my 3AM realization, that Im alone not because life’s shit but maybe
because even if people makes me happy, there’s still a part of me that embraces melancholy.

A bitter spectre that only haunts you before you sleep at night- trying to tell you if the decisions you made were worth it and what’s even worse? It asks you if life is really worth living.

2014. · DexielGetsDramatic · DexielgetsSerious

GUILTY PLEASURE.

For the sake of our Mapeh Product performance aka final wave, we need to go look for a white gown for our waltz. My classmates rented gowns earlier, months earlier, compared to me. I was pretty confident that the nearby gown shop would have plenty of white gowns to offer so I decided to reserve a gown the last week of February.

I was so frightened when I heard the owner said those four words: Sorry we ran out.  I dont know where to go, my other classmates said that there;s this wedding shop where they offer gown rentals at cheaper price and others told me to flee to a nearby town to go check their gowns. That was the original plan, but my mum decided that we should go back to House of L ( the wedding shop located at our town, known for their owzum wedding gowns and such) so we could inquire if there is any possibility that a vacant white gown would be availabe this coming March 13. The in-charge said there’s none but she said there’s another plain white gown left for me.

I fitted the gown. It was just simple, actually. It’s plain white, long torso, with a strapless top and no beads then the skirt was big roses. It was nice, the lady even complimented me because according to her I looked pretty. haha

Anyway, I was standing there in front of the mirror, convincing myself that the gown was not bad – and it won’t make a difference since I just need to wear it for a dance. I looked at mum and ask her an opinion. The door opened at the shop owner slash gown designer checked me up and asked things like : where are you going to used that? and etcetc. He offered us that he could design a gown for me, which fits for the actual occasion BUT it would surely cost more. My mum agreed! Then the next thing I knew, the designer got the measuring tape and measure my size.

But the bottom line is, I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I know things been to difficult the past month, and I don’t want my parents to suffer for all the necessities I need. Like, the had enough. I’ve given them headache a million times. I was a sickling since grade school, I’ve been robbing money from them since my medicines cost a lot, ask them for tuition, clothes, food, and EVERYTHING. I don’t want to hear them talking about money – being a hard thing to have this days. It’s just a gown ok? And it cost a lot. The money could be use for emergency cases. And I can’t help thinking that I will always be a pain in their pockets. My classmates got the gowns, thrice or twice cheaper than mine. Then I have to hire a make-up artist for the event and that cost another money. Im too guilty – always asking for them. Well, I did not demanded it, they decided for it. But, being a graduating student is just difficult – graduation fee, projects, activities, requirements.

I told mum about it. I told her that the whole attire and make-up cost alot and she just smiled and told me that it’s for my own good. And I shouldn’t feel guilt because they chose it and I just need to be good in my studies as my payment for them.

GOOOOOOD. I can’t stop crying. Im definitely sobbing because the Pre-nat got me soooooo depressed. I got low scores. I disappointed my parents for being down at the Honor roll. I’ve been a consistent top 3 student but I fell down from 4th to 5th to 6th! But it’s okay they say – having passed the prestigious UP exam and MSU-SASE made them even prouder.

So what am I gonna do? The obvious. Pretend that my classmate don’t annoy me for always pinpointing how costly the gown is. I had enough people. Dont make me guiltier. :3 >____________<

2015. · DexielgetsSerious · Diary · SchoolStuff

Choosing the right thing. #College

College results from big universities are out. But the real question is: where should I study?  I can see myself 4 years ago. I was in grade six, the last year in elementary and I need to decide where to study in high school. My friends and I got plans as we count off the days before our graduation. We planned that we should study at the same school and be bffs forever. But it didn’t happen anyway. Because I choose the other way. There were four of us: Me, Dianne, Windee, Jam.. Jam went to London and lived migrated there for good, Dianne and Windee went to the same school at our place while I studied at the public high school in the nearby town. It was pretty difficult at first because I don’t know a single person there. I’m not sociable and I dont look friendly so I bet people are afraid to approach me.

Here I am, back again. Standing in the middle of crossroads, uncertain which part to take. Should I choose the university where my friends choose? I know I would really be happy there. I passed the entrance exam and the school excelled in the course I wanted to take up. I don’t need to be sociable really because I already have friends with me. I dont need to adapt to the environment. OR should I take the road which leads me to UP? In this road, Im going to be walking alone. I’m going to be alone because Merrah choose the other path. I don’t blame her really, it’s her choice. I know this road would soon help me reach my goals and dreams in life. But am I brave enough to take the risk? To dace the challenges that’s ahead of me? To adapt to the urban life with no friends and new native language to learn to?

The answer is yes.

 I am willing to take the risk and face the challenge. I didn’t choose UP because it’s a known school and everyone dreams to study there. ( Well, I guess they’re part of my criteria in choosing) But I wanted to meet new people, discover myself a little bit more, and finally come out of the bubble. I wanted to be more independent and know more about my weaknesses and strengths. I know the decision is a bit hard but I know this is for my own good. I may have doubts in my abilities like shall I pass the university or what but hey I don’t want to just choose the other thing without even trying what it feels like to be in UP. I wanted to taste a part of it and when I say I could no longer handle the pressure of it, then I can quit. Lucky for me my parents didn’t pressure me on which university I should choose. God, thank you for giving me supportive parents. As what I quoted from ze mom earlier when she asked me where to study, and I answered Im gonna try UP she smiled and told me “Then we’ll support you and try with you as well.” Well, not try with me literally but you know the thought of being with me all along the way to college. it feels great,srsly.

Six years from now, hopefully by God’s grace, Im not gonna regret this decision just like I didn’t regret choosing MVTS other than that school in our place. It’s time for me to meet new people and discover myself and of course, making my dreams turn into reality. Orede quod habes, et habes. Believe that you can and you will. 🙂  

So, it’s 36 days before graduation day and I couldn’t help feeling a bit excited and sad. But well, parting ways with friends is a part of life and not forgetting them is the golden rule of true friendship. 🙂

So, here I come college. University of the Philippines in Visayas (Unibersidad ng Pilipinas sa Kabisayaan) here I come. May the stars align and may the odds be ever in my favor. Forever BSA. ❤

 A quote to ponder: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I- I took the less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.