crush · DexielgetsSerious · Diary · Love

Walking away from Friendzone

Admit it.

We’ve been Carson once in our life. We’ve been that girl-bestfriend who secretly loved Dio, her boy bestfriend.

images

The moment you set your eyes on him, you know something magically happened. It was like your heart started beating irregularly again, and the butterflies, which you thought were long dead, were once again present in your belly.

You had a crush on him- long before the two of you started talking in person.

Sleepless nights were spend thinking on how you would talk together about the recent GoT episode or just plainly stalking his un-stalkable (no informate gathered) twitter account.😂

Now that the stars had finally aligned and the odds were in your favor, your crush is now your friend.

FRIEND. You started talking about the Game of Thrones episode, you talk “things” only the two of you can understand, you started chatting late at night, you started eating meals together.. and the list goes on. So basically, you guys were like “BFFs” except for the fact that 1. He’s not gay 2. He’s 100% straight.

So even if you’re in denial that all the things the two of you shared were just NOTHING to you.. let me tell you something: NEVER ASSUME.

Never assume that the feelings you had for him will be reciprocated. Never assume that because he treats you better among your other classmates you’re special. Never assume that even if he tells you that you are special he loves you. Never assume that if he tells you he likes you he means it…romantically. Never assume that the two of you could happen. Because srsly? In the end, you are just going to be a mess of yourself. #selfdestroy💣🔫

The moment you started thinking deeply, you realize things. You realize that the guy you saw first day of school was not the guy you envisioned him to be.

He was not the guy you thought was sociable. He was the opposite– the introvert, shy guy. But once you overcame that phase.. yes, he was the guy you could talk about anything anytime. He’s good at conversations, he’s gentle, he’s caring, he’s funny. But he also got a real deal of imperfections I wish not to expose.

The problem with secretly loving your bestfriend is that it’s either you will love him more or love him less. And you realized that as time goes by, the feelings you had for him was gone. Not because he’s imperfect but because you learn to accept things.

Acceptance– once you find it, you will be eternally grateful. Once you accept that investing feelings to someone who can’t return it to you won’t do anything good, you will be happy yourself. It was a breathe of fresh air after a long day’s work. Acceptance. The moment you accept that you are “just the girl-bestfriend  not the girlfriend” is the moment you finally set yourself free– free from the constraints of self-doubt and questioning your self-worth. Free from asking “what’s wrong with me?” just because he was not attracted you.

Sometimes, you have to let go. Holding on to something hopeless is so clichè. There’s a world out there and you should see so don’t make him your world. Don’t asa.

Besides, the advantage of being the bestfriend is that while relationships break, friendship remains. Maybe he chose to be that way because you are worth keeping than relationshits.

 

 

 

DexielgetsSerious · Diary

E.

X,

I know what we had was over  but I still couldn’t fathom how your presence can still have an effect in my life.

We became friends again for a year now and I thought everything would be so easy for I know in myself that I totally got over you. I moved on ftom my first elementary puppy love and I think it would be so childish not to be friendly towards you especially now that we’re “grown-ups”. So I mustered all my courage,supressed a smile and welcomed you in my life (again).

I admit it 2016 would have been plain and boring to some of its days without you. You became somewhat part of my routine– after dinner we would then have our chat; we even came to the point wherein we called 24/7. We would even attend the mass together. I treated you as my friend, I know that, nothing more and nothing less.

But there were those days when you just became extra-everything- sweet,caring,loving. And I must admit, I almost fell again.

But this time,I realized my worth:
*That you were just being flirty with me because Im around but when your first love came back, she’s what you’re after.
*That all those calls where just there to entertain you when you’re alone and bored while I have to stop reading my favorite book because you’re there nagging.
*That all those sweet messages were nothing to you
*That all of them were just normal stuff, an act of friendship.

Srsly the blame’s not on you but I also realized that the kind of people like you are not good to me. One moment you’re here, the next time you’re already there and broke my heart. And to avoid that,I realized that maybe I should get rid of you.

It’s time for me to start 2017 and let go of those negativity in life. Yes you brightened my life but you brought too much storm with you which I know I cant handle. So I left.

Sorry.

D

3AM thoughts · DexielgetsSerious · Diary

3AM thoughts

When everything seems quite and  my roommates are asleep at night..
When highlighters are my buddy and coffee keeps me awake to study,
.
.
That’s when reality kicks in and hits me hard like in the chin.

I’M ALONE.

I’m always known to be the jolly, outgoing person but sometimes I just feel all alone despite:
*family who never fails to check up on me everyday because they couldn’t afford to know that their daughter is starving or is sick
*friends who were always there for me and supports me implicitly to everything I want
*org mates who always made serving the people fun and fulfilling.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I guess this is my 3AM realization, that Im alone not because life’s shit but maybe
because even if people makes me happy, there’s still a part of me that embraces melancholy.

A bitter spectre that only haunts you before you sleep at night- trying to tell you if the decisions you made were worth it and what’s even worse? It asks you if life is really worth living.

2015. · DexielgetsSerious · Diary · SchoolStuff

Choosing the right thing. #College

College results from big universities are out. But the real question is: where should I study?  I can see myself 4 years ago. I was in grade six, the last year in elementary and I need to decide where to study in high school. My friends and I got plans as we count off the days before our graduation. We planned that we should study at the same school and be bffs forever. But it didn’t happen anyway. Because I choose the other way. There were four of us: Me, Dianne, Windee, Jam.. Jam went to London and lived migrated there for good, Dianne and Windee went to the same school at our place while I studied at the public high school in the nearby town. It was pretty difficult at first because I don’t know a single person there. I’m not sociable and I dont look friendly so I bet people are afraid to approach me.

Here I am, back again. Standing in the middle of crossroads, uncertain which part to take. Should I choose the university where my friends choose? I know I would really be happy there. I passed the entrance exam and the school excelled in the course I wanted to take up. I don’t need to be sociable really because I already have friends with me. I dont need to adapt to the environment. OR should I take the road which leads me to UP? In this road, Im going to be walking alone. I’m going to be alone because Merrah choose the other path. I don’t blame her really, it’s her choice. I know this road would soon help me reach my goals and dreams in life. But am I brave enough to take the risk? To dace the challenges that’s ahead of me? To adapt to the urban life with no friends and new native language to learn to?

The answer is yes.

 I am willing to take the risk and face the challenge. I didn’t choose UP because it’s a known school and everyone dreams to study there. ( Well, I guess they’re part of my criteria in choosing) But I wanted to meet new people, discover myself a little bit more, and finally come out of the bubble. I wanted to be more independent and know more about my weaknesses and strengths. I know the decision is a bit hard but I know this is for my own good. I may have doubts in my abilities like shall I pass the university or what but hey I don’t want to just choose the other thing without even trying what it feels like to be in UP. I wanted to taste a part of it and when I say I could no longer handle the pressure of it, then I can quit. Lucky for me my parents didn’t pressure me on which university I should choose. God, thank you for giving me supportive parents. As what I quoted from ze mom earlier when she asked me where to study, and I answered Im gonna try UP she smiled and told me “Then we’ll support you and try with you as well.” Well, not try with me literally but you know the thought of being with me all along the way to college. it feels great,srsly.

Six years from now, hopefully by God’s grace, Im not gonna regret this decision just like I didn’t regret choosing MVTS other than that school in our place. It’s time for me to meet new people and discover myself and of course, making my dreams turn into reality. Orede quod habes, et habes. Believe that you can and you will. 🙂  

So, it’s 36 days before graduation day and I couldn’t help feeling a bit excited and sad. But well, parting ways with friends is a part of life and not forgetting them is the golden rule of true friendship. 🙂

So, here I come college. University of the Philippines in Visayas (Unibersidad ng Pilipinas sa Kabisayaan) here I come. May the stars align and may the odds be ever in my favor. Forever BSA. ❤

 A quote to ponder: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I- I took the less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.

2014. · Diary · Family · Love

December to Remember 2014❤❤

The most unforgettable thing that happened to me last December was when we went to Cagayan de Oro City for a small vacation I must say? Well, the trip was unplanned. Im not suppose to be there because as we agreed, my mom should be the one to go and she’ll kjust bring home some new books for me. But the pla messed up when she called me after our Christmas party, telling me to cme home early for a trip. She told me that she’s too tired to travel and she’s givng me the chance to travel & go to CDO again so I grabbed the chance.

Travelling at night is so good. I can feel the damp coldness of air which touches my face, and it’s a less hassle because passengers are not that many and you could really use as manypassenger seat in the bus. But.. the problem about travelling is you can’t help to feel boredom and exhaustion.

So, anyway highway, the christmas vacation was worthwhile. I did faced my fear in drowning.

We went beach outing with my cousins on our 3rd day stay which we.rode the jet ski and banana boat. The banana boat was quite fun but it’s really scary esespecially when the waves are not in the mood and Poseidon was not much of a help. The jet ski, on the other hand, was sooooooo exciting and fun! The machine was just like a motorcycle except in only runs in the sea. So the waves are on mood and was like saying, “hey play with me”, so we eent riding the jet ski. The ride was really awesome, you look like those actors riding a superfast machine. We were going really far from the shore I can hardly picture my cousns waving at us. Then bavoom! The wave outmatched the jet ski, causing it to fall backward and made me drink saltwater together with my cousin. Good thing there’s this life jacket the incharge gave me earlier becaise withoit it, God knows Im probably dead by now. We fell at the arther point of the sea, I mean it’s too deep I can’t reach the bottom.

I was about to drop and just allow the waves carry me. Then the rescuers, what do you call them, came with another jet ski assisting me. Then he started the engine and drove really hard the waves outsmarted us again. I fell in the seabed again. I know, I drunk too much saltwater. And you know what’s the annoying thing? The rescuers took quite a time to bring me back ashore. Thank the Gods Im safe, I told myself. But at the end of the day , I was still happy because I got to experience that hilarious yet unforgettable moment.

Ps. A moment of silence to my cousin’s money for the rent of the banana boat wherein we decided not to use it and just leave the resort. Tss. No refunds, RIP MONEY. 😢😢

PPS. Got the last book of Heroes of Olympus during my stay in CDO. All thanks to my mighty cousin who gave it. 😘😘

DexielGetsDramatic · DexielgetsSerious · Diary · Love · regrets

December to Remember 2013😂

Those late night text and calls. The invite. The fireworks. The secene at the church.

That’s the problem. It was eons ago yet you still remembered the date.  Can’t you see? He doesn’t even remembered or he doesn’t care. Those memories which gave you butterflies and made you stay awake in late nights. It was all nothing to him.

You are just being fool.

I know that 2013 was indeed very unforgettable to you. It was a break to your lovelife, I know. But, did you really satisfied yourself? Because after the fireworks and the nine mornings, you were back to normal. You’re always the friend but never been the girl.

That’s the problem because we can still remember the dates!

12.15.13 — you watched fireworks display with him.

12.16.13 — you went to church with him & his mom. And mind you, the longest skin go skin encounterwith him.

And the fairytale continued for eight long days. There’s the part where he wakes you up, offers you a chair.. but the ending? Well, we never expected this one. Because on the mast day, the prince ditched the princess. He didn’t go to church.

12.28.13– before this day came, you chatted and had some heart to heart talks whrein he got to share his problems and anything about his life. He opened this topic about a girl whomhe had a crush with but HE is too shy to approach and confess hs feelings to the girl. You, on the other hand, curious on who this lucky girl would be told him about telling the truth to the girl and telling him to take the risk. BUT sadly, the boy err, I mean this man never ever took THAT risk.

Ok let me go back tothe part where you decided to “confess before you move on” scheme. You r heartbeat was faster than usual and you were staring at your phone, quite hesitating what to write. Then slowly you tried to form words,telling this guy how you loved him secretly sonce 2nd year and those etcetera. You waited, sweat trickling from your forehead,.clearly anxious on what he’s gong to say.

The unexpected thing happened. He clearly admitted that the GIRL he was meaningto confess was you. But he cleay made no move and since you’re too ugly to be his girlfriend he never ever approach ed and talk about that again. You started moving on. I guessed you moved on but I guess people are people and part of them.remembers? ecause on the first place I wouldn:t blog this if I haven’t remembered Ace. I can still remember that today, January 1, exactly one year, he blocked me in Facebook. I was quite haopy becaus it was made easier for me to move on. Then he unblocked me. And hellyeah, I still dtarted moving on.

Cheers because I moved on!🍻🍻😘

2014. · DexielgetsSerious · Diary · SchoolStuff

Paranormal Experience :0

Something scary slash terrible happened today that made every hair in my body stand. It’s almost November 1 and scary things started to frighten people and spirits… they’re just here watching us.

My friend and I went home late since I cleaned the classroom and she waited for me. We then went to the bus station but unfortunately there were no bus so we decided to take the tricycle. The vehicle was loaded with passengers- my friend and I occupied the front seat, a nurse and a student occupied the backseat,  the driver, the teacher, and 3 other passengers, one is a  girl maybe on the age of 11, on our side.

Before the driver started the engine, he asked the little girl where will he drop her. The girl then replied, “Sa Sudlon ko kol.” She said she will stop at some place named Sudlon, which is situated maybe 10-14 minutes drive from the terminal. It’s getting dark outside and it’s cold too since it rained earlier. The motorcycle was now in Blancia, it’s a barangay with few houses near the highway and is surrounded with many trees.

Passengers were minding their own business- I am scrolling at my cellphone while others are just quiet. And then we came to a stop. I paused on what Im doing. We stopped beside the highway, with tall trees in between and no sign of any houses and there were no streetlights as well. The driver then asked the little girl, “Diri raka day?”  He asked the girl if this is where she’s gonna drop and the little replied, “Dili man diari kol. Unahan paman amoa sa may mangga.” The girl told the driver that she’s not dropping there because their house is farther to the place where we stopped. She said her house is located near a mango tree and it’s suppose to be the next succeding barangay the motorcycle is about to pass. The driver was dumbstruck and the teacher who sat beside me said, “I really heard a small voice a while ago.” She said she heard a little girl’s voice saying the word,”Diri lang ko.” I never heard it so I was shocked and scared. The boy who’s sitting at the back of the driver remained silent for a while. He then asked the teacher if the voice was loud enough to be heard or not, the woman said that it’s not that loud. The boy then said to the group that he heard something, a very soft voice saying to the driver to stop the vehicle at that place.

We remained silent at that time. Well, I guess, someone accompanied us that time :3 Happy Halloween!